since we are all new here, i'm going to take a moment to catch you up. my husband + i got married in november of 2013 on the most beautiful day. we decided then that we weren't really going to try to get pregnant, but that we weren't going to prevent it either. fast forward to 2016 + there was still no baby on the horizon. that was when we decided to take matters into our own hands + start actually trying to get pregnant.
i did it all, temping, charting, symptom tracking, you name it + still nothing. about a year later is when i began to allow this to become part of my identity. i felt like something must be wrong with me + i decided to go get tested in the spring of 2018 + all came back "normal." the thing is, i'm in my mid thirties + trying to get pregnant, so the doctor said it's "normal" for a "woman my age" to not get pregnant right away. but, i wasn't expecting to get pregnant "right away," we had been not preventing for 5 years + trying for 2. enter self-doubt, anger with my body, anger with god + i started to question whether being a mother was really something that god had planned out for me or if this was just a pipe dream that i should give up on. a great friend of mine reminded me that the enemy wouldn't work so hard to attack something that god wasn't going to have victory over + in that moment, the trajectory of this journey changed.
we decided to try iui to see if that could be the extra push we needed to make it happen. lab test after lab test, procedure after procedure + we were finally ready to try it in the fall of 2018. our first procedure failed + then our second procedure was cancelled because my body responded too well to the clomid and produced too many eggs. that last round of clomid really messed with my body + after talking with my husband, we agreed to take a time out, a pause from the treatments + to reconvene in the first part of 2019.
here we are, in the first part of 2019 + we still don't know where we are heading, but i've learned a lot along the way.
- pregnancy announcements don't have to be hard. it's okay to feel sad, but try to remember that you don't know that woman's journey to become pregnant. and remember to keep seeking god + trusting him to give you the desires of your heart, but only if those are his desires too. we so often can view a 'yes' to someone else as a 'no' to ourselves. as if our god is so finite that he can only grant one miracle at a time.
- i can't control everything. i'm a control freak. there, i said it. in life, i've always been able to get what i wanted by 'playing my cards right' or working really hard. but this was different, no matter what i did or didn't do, nothing seemed to help towards getting me pregnant. i gave up processed foods, i gave up wine, i started taking multi-vitamins. nothing mattered. i felt helpless + completely out of control. the reality is, i am not in control + the sooner i can realize that, the easier of a time i will have. honestly, i know that i shouldn't want something that isn't part of god's perfect will for my life anyway + i need to learn to trust his timing better.
- how strong my husband is. through all the ups + downs of these appointments, hormones, injections, painful procedures, my husband has literally seen me at my worst + still loved me with his best.
- it's okay to take a break. it doesn't mean we've given up or that we think this can't happen. we are back in the place where we aren't preventing + at first that was really hard for me because i felt like i'd given up on my dream to become a mother. but, i'm practicing trusting god more + trusting in his perfect timing + his perfect plan.
❤
the prenatals i like are by rainbowlite + they are linked below.
